[Humor] George Carlin Rules for 2007

[Mary Ann Horton]

From: "Carl Castore"  (Courtesy of Yucks)

To help you all get the new year off on the right track, the  following 
are some general rules for living that Gorge Carlin came  up with in 
1997. And, appended to the end are some that he came up  with for 2007.  
All seem eminently workable in today's world. ;-))

Back in 1997 George came up with these 15 rules to live by:

1
Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such  as 
"doing something with your life". Such twaddle is outmoded and a  sure 
formuila for disappointment.

2
Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain  in 
the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to  yourself 
and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is  the first one 
to be replaced.

3
Size people up quickly, and develop rigid atttudes based on your  first 
impressionb. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know"  people, 
you're asking for trouble.

4
Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people  the 
way you would like to be treated. It's a transparently  narcisstic 
approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind.

5
Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even  if 
it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow  manipulators who 
can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall  scheme, you count 
for very little.

6
Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look  
good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will  make 
you feel better.

7
Don't buy into the sentimental notions that everyone has  shortcomings; 
it's the surest way of undermining yourself.  Remember: the really best 
people have no defects. If you're not  perfect, something is wrong.

8
If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the  
fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your  
faults an dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of  
things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9
Beware of intuition and gut instincts: they are completely  unreliable. 
Instad, develop preconceived notions and don't waver  unless someone 
tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their  point of view. But 
only if they seem to know what they're talking  about.

10
Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.  
Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but  it 
takes a very special person to stay with something that is  stupid and 
harmful.

11
Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out  of 
today only robs you of precious time that could be spent  daydreaming or 
resting up.

12
Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made,  and 
how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of  what you 
should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And  don't go 
easy -- be really hard on yourself.

13
If by chance you make fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try  to 
repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do  it 
easly in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of  faults.

14
Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only  get 
you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in  a 
meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan".

15
Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want.  Don't 
be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about  
"responsibility". That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin  your 
life.



Here are some new rules to think about for 2007, courtesy of George  
Carlin:

   New Rule:
   Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com There's a  reason you
   don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't  particularly like
   them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football  team is
   doing these days--mowing my lawn.

   New Rule:
   Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless  you're a
   seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was  found in
   a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What  did you
   expect it to contain? Foie gras?

   New Rule:
   Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
   teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description  for these
   kids: lucky.

   New Rule:
   If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
   dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If  you're
   a grown man, they're pictures of men.

   New Rule:
   Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care  about your
   eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

   New Rule:
   There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle  of this
   crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry,
   but flavored water is called a soft drink.

   New Rule:
   The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the  asshole. If
   you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,  
half-low fat,
   iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
   ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
   asshole.

   New Rule:
   I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
   entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
   deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"  again, the
   kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
   Almond Joy.

   New Rule:
   Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't  make 
you spiritual.
   It's right above the crack of your ass. And it  translates to "beef 
with broccoli."

   New Rule:
   Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly  sins.
   ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,  because
   watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
   exciting.

   New Rule:
   If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
   television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
   remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
   remember the reason something was a television show in the first 
   place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

   New Rule:
   No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for  weddings. 
Now it's for babies
   and new homes and graduations from  rehab. Picking out the stuff you 
want, and having
   other people buy  it for you isn't gift    giving, it's the white 
peoples version of looting.

   New Rule:
   ...and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
   After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like  I 
just had sex with
   George Michael. I can't even tell if he's  supposed to be there, or 
just some freak with a fetish.

   New Rule:
   When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in  months. 
"27 Months."
   "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

   New Rule:
   If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays  
better than minimum wage,
   then for God's sake don't pierce or  tattoo every available piece of 
flesh. Ifyou do,
   then plan your  future around saying "Do you want fries with that?"