From mah at mhorton.net Tue Jan 2 03:37:27 2007 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 06:37:27 -0500 Subject: [Humor] George Carlin Rules for 2007 Message-ID: <459A43F7.9000703@mhorton.net> From: "Carl Castore" (Courtesy of Yucks) To help you all get the new year off on the right track, the following are some general rules for living that Gorge Carlin came up with in 1997. And, appended to the end are some that he came up with for 2007. All seem eminently workable in today's world. ;-)) Back in 1997 George came up with these 15 rules to live by: 1 Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life". Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formuila for disappointment. 2 Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced. 3 Size people up quickly, and develop rigid atttudes based on your first impressionb. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble. 4 Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It's a transparently narcisstic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind. 5 Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little. 6 Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better. 7 Don't buy into the sentimental notions that everyone has shortcomings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember: the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong. 8 If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults an dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything. 9 Beware of intuition and gut instincts: they are completely unreliable. Instad, develop preconceived notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they're talking about. 10 Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful. 11 Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up. 12 Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy -- be really hard on yourself. 13 If by chance you make fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easly in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults. 14 Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan". 15 Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility". That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life. Here are some new rules to think about for 2007, courtesy of George Carlin: New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Foie gras? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want, and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white peoples version of looting. New Rule: ...and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. Ifyou do, then plan your future around saying "Do you want fries with that?" From mah at mhorton.net Fri Jan 5 17:32:22 2007 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 20:32:22 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Analogies and metaphors Message-ID: <459EFC26.8070006@mhorton.net> Ramona passes this one along.* Analogies and metaphors* Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. *Here are last year's winners.* 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20070105/317e4b99/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Sat Jan 6 11:38:19 2007 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sat, 06 Jan 2007 14:38:19 -0500 Subject: [Humor] The Creation of Ohio Message-ID: <459FFAAB.7080606@mhorton.net> Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, " What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Ohio , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Kentucky! GO BUCKEYES! From mah at mhorton.net Wed Jan 10 16:11:29 2007 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 19:11:29 -0500 Subject: [Humor] New "Script Ohio" Message-ID: <45A580B1.7030800@mhorton.net> As all ardent Buckeye fans know, the Ohio State band has a grand tradition of spelling out Script Ohio before each game, and the honor of dotting the "i" is huge. But as with all traditions, the new year comes and we make changes. A secret photo of the new tradition has been leaked to the Internet. Click below to be among the first to see it. http://www.maryannhorton.com/images/new-script-ohio.jpg From mah at mhorton.net Sun Jan 21 17:49:11 2007 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2007 20:49:11 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Guido, the Italian Lover Message-ID: <45B41817.5020607@mhorton.net> From: "Jim Schindler" (courtesy of Yucks) Guido, the Italian Lover A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" "No" Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet, again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish!!?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." From mah at mhorton.net Sun Jan 21 17:50:15 2007 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2007 20:50:15 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Groundhog Day Message-ID: <45B41857.5030202@mhorton.net> From: Frederick Clegg (courtesy of Yucks) This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog." From mah at mhorton.net Fri Jan 26 16:49:46 2007 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2007 19:49:46 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Not the sharpest knives in the drawer.... Message-ID: <45BAA1AA.7090409@mhorton.net> From: Lou Pellegrino (courtesy of Yucks) Number One Idiot of 2006 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Two Idiot of 2006 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed by Boeing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Three Idiot of 2006 A man ,wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a Branch and wrote " Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors decided that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Four Idiot of 2006 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Five Idiot of 2006 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it tohim because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2006 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Seven of 2006 Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote) And, what I think is the funniest observation of all: Also 2005: http://clothesfreeforums.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/2700016152/m/8460021924 2004: http://blog.plasticmind.com/kicks-and-giggles/2004_idiot_awar.php 2003: http://www.neowin.net/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t122828.html 2002: http://www.anvari.org/fun/Truth/Top_Eight_Idiots_of_2002.html 2001: http://list.audettemedia.com/SCRIPTS/WA.EXE?A2=ind0202&L=i-helpdesk&D=1&T=0&H=1&O=D&P=705 . . . Those must be some reaaaaaaaly dumb people to keep doing the same stupid things over and over and over again. . . Someone ought to elect them to office! spl -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20070126/053c19c9/attachment.html