From mah at mhorton.net Mon Sep 4 15:04:56 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Mon, 04 Sep 2006 18:04:56 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Sad Custody Story Message-ID: <44FCA308.9070300@mhorton.net> From: Lou Pellegrino (Courtesy of Yucks) The Boston Globe August 26, 2006 Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. ;-) From ravishingrn at yahoo.com Tue Sep 5 14:00:56 2006 From: ravishingrn at yahoo.com (Ramona Nash) Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2006 14:00:56 -0700 (PDT) Subject: [Humor] 3 Things to think about Message-ID: <20060905210056.28147.qmail@web82502.mail.mud.yahoo.com> Subject: FW: 3 things to think about 1. COWS 2. THE CONSTITUTION 3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow. THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........ You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment. --------------------------------- When the power of love is greater than the love of power, we will have peace. - Jimi Hendrix -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060905/52c0e361/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Thu Sep 7 18:13:56 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 21:13:56 -0400 Subject: [Humor] European Furniture Message-ID: <4500C3D4.3090603@mhorton.net> From: Jim Schindler (Courtesy of Yucks) Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. From mah at mhorton.net Tue Sep 12 17:12:22 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 20:12:22 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Bush's next job Message-ID: <45074CE6.8030207@mhorton.net> From: Wm Leler (Courtesy of Yucks) Bush's Next Job By Bill Ferguson Knight Ridder Newspapers Salt Lake Tribune, 2006 Every great career eventually comes to an end, and when you're the President of these United States, you only get eight years (at most) to accomplish everything you set out to do. Then you're an ex-president for the rest of your life. I'll bet that ex-presidents, like most retired people, find it to be something of a shock to have all that time on their hands when they leave the working world. So they find things to do. They work on their memoirs. They build libraries. They give speeches. They support their favorite charitable causes. But what about our current President? His term will be up before he knows it, and then it's back to private life. I'm afraid the transition will be especially difficult for Dubya. He is a man of action, and I worry about how he'll adjust to a life out of the spotlight. I think that we, as a nation, owe Bush more than the customary parting gifts of an enormous pension and round-the-clock Secret Service protection when he leaves office. I think we can do better for him. I think we should put him to work, and I know just where he ought to go. Iraq. There is no question that Iraq will be the legacy of President Bush's tenure, and there is also no doubt that there will still be a lot of work to do there when he leaves office. I believe we should allow Bush an opportunity to stick with the job even after his term expires. The next president should appoint George W. Bush to be a special envoy to Iraq and charge him with the responsibility to oversee all American interests there, advise the new Iraqi government, and maintain the morale of American troops who are carrying out the war effort. The position should be a permanent one, and he would not leave until the "hard work" of helping Iraq to establish a working democratic government has been accomplished. Or until he leaves this mortal coil, whichever comes first. But I do not believe Bush should go to Iraq alone. He needs some trusted advisors by his side at all times, and the first two names that immediately spring to mind are Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld. These men have been instrumental in the planning and execution of the Iraq campaign from the beginning, and I can only imagine how much more effective their work could be if they were onsite 24/7, right where the action is, getting their hands dirty in the cause of spreading freedom to that dark corner of the world. I know this assignment would be dangerous. The three senior freedom fighters would be huge targets for the forces of evil in Iraq, and there is a real possibility that one or more of them might meet with an untimely demise in that chaotic environment. But as Bush has reminded us time and again, the price is high, but our cause is just. Freedom is not free. I expect that all three men would be ready and willing to undertake their assignments in the battle zone, despite the extreme danger they would face. This would be a chance to show the world that they are willing to put their own lives, not just the lives of others, on the line for what they know to be right. So let's start a campaign to send the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld team to Iraq in 2008. They deserve the opportunity to "finish the job" in Iraq, and I think that the sight of the three of them tooling around the streets of Baghdad in a lightly armored Humvee would do a lot to improve the morale of all Americans. -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060912/2472bdc5/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Thu Sep 28 18:23:08 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2006 21:23:08 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Searching Message-ID: <451C757C.2060508@mhorton.net> From: Lou (courtesy of Yucks) A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.... But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a Monk!