From mah at mhorton.net Tue Oct 3 15:51:28 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 18:51:28 -0400 Subject: [Humor] And how true this is Message-ID: <4522E970.3090302@mhorton.net> Kayla passes this one along. "Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th." --Jay Leno -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20061003/5e36ef92/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Tue Oct 3 15:57:13 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 18:57:13 -0400 Subject: [Humor] The passing of an old friend Message-ID: <4522EAC9.2000807@mhorton.net> Dave passes this one along. (Warning: Politics ahead.) Friends: I came across this obituatry, over at DKOS. Here: _http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/9/28/154639/761_ I guess we all new she had been very sick, but I think the habeaus corpus collapse was completely unexpected. And that was all it took. Nothing lasts forever. And mabye there was nothing we could have done--although, I can't help but wonder, what if more of us had done something. In any case, please take a moment, say a little prayer, and maybe recall some fond memories as you read this obituary. Dave ---------------------------------------------------- *America, United States of* *(b.July 4, 1776, d. September 28th, 2006)* *An historic moment came yesterday when the world's oldest democracy, it's greatest and youngest nation quietly passed away in her sleep.* *"The world is a darker place." lamented several saddened and tearful citizens. "I have known America my entire life, she knew my parents and my parent's parents and I am speechless with grief. We did all we could. I can't believe she is gone."* *America passed away yesterday after a long fight with cancer; cancer of the congress specifically. Her ten year battle for survival endured two presidencies and several false remissons. She nearly capitulated her struggle in 1998 during the Clinton Impeachment hearings, but somehow she managed to push through.* *"She lasted 230 years. She was a tough old broad, but history shows us that no gets out of this world alive not even the most vibrant, inspiring and hopeful democracy the world has ever seen", wept a Democratic senator.* *Born in 1776 to a cadre of European revolutionaries who raised her to be different from any nation the world had ever seen, America was fortunate to be the daughter of many brilliant and attentive fathers. They shaped her (unwittingly or no) to be a beacon of hope to the world's citizens depite their own subjugation in depotic regimes. She welcomed those who were opressed, rejected or ignored by their own countries and offered them a chance at a new life. And, for this reason, she grew quickly and grew strong. So strong that at the tender age of 85, she survived a breath-taking attempt on her life with the help of her friend and protector, President Abraham Lincoln.* *Once a fragile and insecure nation, she grew to be the true leader of the world, serving as a bellweather for new democracies that began to spring up around the globe.* *"She led by example." said former president Bill Clinton. "The world felt safer just knowing she was there. Even if they were poor, vulnerable and a stricken populus, other nations knew that help could be asked of her and more often than not, she gave and gave much. She offered money, medical supplies, food to starving populations, protection and did so with no expectation of reimbursement."* *Her greatest and most historic moment for which she is best remembered was, ironically, her amazing and improbable victory over the forces of fascism in Europe in the 1940's. The same type of fascism that eventually took her own life, she smashed for the good of the entire world and showed them them a better way. * *Never a wall-flower and always controversial, America did her best, but admittedly had some notable and egregious lapses; Rwanda, Darfur, East Timor and many others, yet her mystique and unfailing optimism again and again perplexed, befuddled and eventually won over a war-weary world who felt the flicker of hope in their own lives take hold because of Amerca's resilience.* *Recently, even though she refused to be slowed down, coddled or pitied, her illness had clearly taken it's toll; she had one of her basic insitutions, fair voting, removed during a painful operation six years ago in 2000 that people close to her said she had never truly fully recovered from although she maintained a brave face. She also had her fourth estate amputated under mysterious and controversial circumcstances. Through it all, however, her hope remained as did her citizens;* *"She had endured so much, survived so many trials that no ever really thought she could ever really die. But looking back that was foolish, complacence and naivete." said a constitutional scholar.* *As is the way of life confronting death, America fought to the end. Ironically, her optimism, grace, generosity and faith that helped her live so long were betrayed by her congressional cancer and even as she gave ground again and again the cancer eventually spread into her heart of hearts; spread into an area no doctor ever thought the cancer could spread to -- eventually did; her foundation, her soul, her greatest asset as well as her sometimes most frustrating trait; the heart that pumped her blood, the congressional cancer carved habeas corpus right out of her broad and warm bosom.* *Without habeas corpus, America's heart slowly subsided and faded until no heartbeat could be detected. And she lie there still and peaceful. Gone.* *And so on the afternoon of September 28th, 2006, America, like so many great and admirable entities in history, passed into and became a part of history. She went gently into her goodnight. Many of her citizens did not even know that she was ill, never mind that she had passed. Upon seeing the deep sadness and fear from some of their fellow citizens who DID know and cherish her, many of these reacted with shrugging disdain at the "over-reaction", thinking that they had known her too, but in reality had, in foolish complacence and naivete took her for granted--even in death refusing to admit to themselves she was gone. * *As my father would most likely say if he were alive today, who fought side by side with her in World War II, who passed away days before her mortal wound inflicted on September 11th, 2001; The wound that metastisized her congressional cancer,* *"She will be deeply missed and her absence will most certainly be felt for generations to come."* *Rest in Peace* =============== Other commentary at http://venusenvy.comicgenesis.com/comics/20060930.jpg -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20061003/04009496/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Sun Oct 8 14:36:22 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 08 Oct 2006 17:36:22 -0400 Subject: [Humor] The Dishy Blonde Message-ID: <45296F56.9030201@mhorton.net> Lou Pellegrino passes this along (courtesy of Yucks) A guy is in the checkout line at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled, and said hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. He says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friend whipped me with some wet celery?" "No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher." From mah at mhorton.net Wed Oct 18 13:32:10 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 16:32:10 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Are You Computer Dependent?? Message-ID: <45368F4A.2060907@mhorton.net> From: Jim Schindler (Courtesy of Yucks) This illustrates how much we've become dependent on our computers.. Are you male or female ? To learn the answer, look down!!! Not here, Dummy! From mah at mhorton.net Sun Oct 29 16:29:35 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 19:29:35 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Dubyaisms Message-ID: <4545476F.5000500@mhorton.net> From: Wm Leler (Courtesy of Yucks) The Top Ten Funniest (and Saddest) Mistakes, Misstatements, Bloopers and Blunders By President George W. Bush (so far...) 1. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." ? Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001 2. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." ?Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 3. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ?Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 4. "There's no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world's worst weapons." ? South Bend, Indiana, Sept. 5, 2002. 5. "There's an old...saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once...(3 second pause)... Shame on...(4 second pause)...Shame on you....(6 second pause)...Fool me...Can't get fooled again." ?Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002. 6. "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." ?Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003 7. "The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the -- the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." ? Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003. 8. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." ?on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005 9. "Wow! Brazil is big." after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005 10. A TIE BETWEEN: "Rarely is the question asked, 'Is our children learning'?" ? Florence, S.C. Jan 11 2000 "The illiteracy level of our children are appalling." ?Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 20004 http://www.innocentenglish.com/bushtop10.html