From mah at mhorton.net Sun May 7 19:09:28 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 07 May 2006 22:09:28 -0400 Subject: [Humor] How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast Message-ID: <445EA858.7030201@mhorton.net> John sends this one along. How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast: http://www.maryannhorton.com/images/catholic2fast.jpg From mah at mhorton.net Fri May 12 17:13:31 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 12 May 2006 20:13:31 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Oldie but goodie Message-ID: <446524AB.1030201@mhorton.net> Fom: "Lou Pellegrino" (courtesy Yucks) If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win. From mah at mhorton.net Sat May 13 14:57:09 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sat, 13 May 2006 17:57:09 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Math Message-ID: <44665635.20003@mhorton.net> From: Stacy (Courtesy of Yucks) Math 1950-2006 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: 1. Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. ) 6. Teaching Math In 2006 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. From mah at mhorton.net Mon May 15 19:26:06 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Mon, 15 May 2006 22:26:06 -0400 Subject: [Humor] True Stories of Bizarre Employment Interviews: Message-ID: <4469383E.80304@mhorton.net> lolamerica at excite.com sends this along . "At the end of the interview, the candidate expressed her interest in getting the position, but only if her boyfriend liked the company and the hiring manager. She then said, 'He's waiting outside. Can I bring him in to say hello?'" . "After answering the first few questions, the man picked up his cell phone to call his parents and let them know the interview was going well." . "When asked by the hiring manager why she was leaving her current job, the applicant said, 'My manager is a jerk. All managers are jerks.'" . "The candidate entered the lobby and identified herself to the receptionist. She then pulled two pairs of shoes from her bag and asked, 'Which pair do you think I should wear with this suit?'" . "When asked why he wanted to work for the company, the applicant responded, 'That's a good question. I really haven't given it much thought.'" . "When told she would meet with another interviewer, the young woman said, 'Wait just a minute.' She then proceeded to reapply her makeup and hairspray, all in the first interviewer's office." . "He refered to his former boss by name, calling him a 'big jerk' and 'a pain in the neck.' It turned out that that the interviewer had the same last name and that they were related." . "After being complimented on his choice of college and the grade point average he achieved, the candidate replied, 'I'm glad that got your attention. I didn't really go there.'" . "The company sent an employee to meet a prospective candidate at the airport. Getting off the plane, he said it was far too cold to live in this city and he took the next flight home." -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060515/645ec153/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Tue May 16 17:56:53 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 16 May 2006 20:56:53 -0400 Subject: [Humor] The perfect husband Message-ID: <446A74D5.7000000@mhorton.net> From: Jim Schindler (Courtesy of Yucks) Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN! : "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you sooo much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...." From mah at mhorton.net Sun May 28 18:22:33 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 21:22:33 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Has both Message-ID: <447A4CD9.1060103@mhorton.net> From: Jim Schindler (courtesy of yucks, and apologies to isna.org) After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside. "I have something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked. "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has a penis and a brain?"