[Humor] Their Metaphors Were As Bad As, Like, Whatever

[Mary Ann Horton]

[Julia and Lauren pass these along from the Christian Educators Journal]


(Extracts from High School essays in which students were asked to use 
analogies and metaphors)


   1.

      Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
      gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

   2.

      His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
      like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

   3.

      He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
      a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
      one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
      country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
      solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

   4.

      She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
      room-temperature Canadian beef.

   5.

      Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

   6.

       From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
      eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
      city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

   7.

      Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

   8.

      The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
      you fry them in hot grease.

   9.

      Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
      the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on
      having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
      from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

  10.

      John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
      had also never met.

  11.

      The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
      this plan just might work.

  12.

      The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
      eating for a while.

  13.

      He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
      but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
      land mind or something.

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