[Humor] Flight

[Mary Ann Horton]

From: "Heaphy, Mike" (Courtesy Yucks)

Some flight funnies from an old buddy...

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one  day as
Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern  California 13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other
aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really
control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots"  Center
replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that  day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests
ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response,  "525
knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.

As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a
familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It  was
at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real  crew, 
for  we
were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground  speed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I  show
1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for those who don't know)

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous  controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to  go up to
it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
placed
it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,  "Do you
know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot  responded,
"I  use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator
replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold  
short  of
the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned  
around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the  MD80
crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you  
make  it
all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came  back
with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll
have enough parts for another one."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority  landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
B-52  that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

---------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known 
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the  problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the  flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up  here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?