From mah at mhorton.net Sat Feb 4 16:38:54 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (mah at mhorton.net) Date: Sat, 04 Feb 2006 17:38:54 -0700 Subject: [Humor] Medication for Women Message-ID: <20060204173854.fvxn4k1z4yyo00wg@webmail.mhorton.net> > From: schuppm (Courtesy Yucks) > > Ladies: > > Do you have feelings of inadequacy? > > Do you suffer from shyness? > > Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? > > If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or > pharmacist about Tequila?. > > Tequila? is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident > about yourself and your actions. Tequila? can help ease you out of > your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and > willing to > do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila? > almost > immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any > obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. > Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will > discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start > living, withTequila?. > > Tequila? may not be right for everyone. > > Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila?. However, > women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to > try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, > incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of > clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, > table > dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,and a desire to sing Karaoke > and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked > Twister. ----- End forwarded message ----- From mah at mhorton.net Sat Feb 4 18:43:41 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (mah at mhorton.net) Date: Sat, 04 Feb 2006 19:43:41 -0700 Subject: [Humor] Tech Support Message-ID: <20060204194341.67kg472ld7kg8gck@webmail.mhorton.net> Burt passes this one along. -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: not available Type: image/jpeg Size: 117479 bytes Desc: not available Url : http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060204/d0b6608c/attachment.jpe From mah at mhorton.net Sat Feb 4 18:48:03 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sat, 04 Feb 2006 21:48:03 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Tech Support Message-ID: <43E56763.6010102@mhorton.net> [Oops - sorry about the last huge useless message. This time for sure, Rocky!] Burt passes this one along. **Your Suspicions Confirmed!** -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060204/5556a9cc/attachment.html -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: not available Type: image/jpeg Size: 117479 bytes Desc: not available Url : http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060204/5556a9cc/attachment.jpe From mah at mhorton.net Wed Feb 22 18:24:41 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 21:24:41 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Flight Message-ID: <43FD1CE9.4030003@mhorton.net> From: "Heaphy, Mike" (Courtesy Yucks) Some flight funnies from an old buddy... In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for those who don't know) No further inquiries were heard on that frequency. -------------------------------------------------- In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared. ------------------------------------- The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." ------------------------------------------------------- Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- - One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." -------------------------------------------------- There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach." --------------------------------------------- A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." -------------------------------------------------- Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot." -------------------------------------------------- "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727? From mah at mhorton.net Fri Feb 24 19:21:35 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 22:21:35 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Their Metaphors Were As Bad As, Like, Whatever Message-ID: <43FFCD3F.6080806@mhorton.net> [Julia and Lauren pass these along from the Christian Educators Journal] (Extracts from High School essays in which students were asked to use analogies and metaphors) 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 6. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 7. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 8. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 9. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 10. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 11. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 12. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 13. He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mind or something. -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060224/bf5526b7/attachment.html