From mah at mhorton.net Sun Dec 10 18:35:56 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2006 21:35:56 -0500 Subject: [Humor] College Football Guide Message-ID: <457CC40C.8000402@mhorton.net> Likely to offend someone, somewhere... From: Jim Schindler (Courtesy of Yucks) College Football Guide (1) What does the average Michigan player get on his SATs? .........Drool. (2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room? .........A full set of teeth. (3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room? .......Grease her hips and push. (4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch? ..........Pay him for the pizza. (5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend? .........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup. (6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? .....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. (7) What are the longest three years of a Miami ( Florida ) football player's life? ..........His freshman year. (8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? ..........None. That's a sophomore course. (9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ......... Durham , North Carolina . He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner. AND FINALLY (10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? ........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week. From mah at mhorton.net Sun Dec 10 18:37:41 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2006 21:37:41 -0500 Subject: [Humor] The seamstress Message-ID: <457CC475.6070605@mhorton.net> ----- Forwarded by Scott Parker and Lou (Courtesy of Yucks) One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Signed, All Us Women From mah at mhorton.net Wed Dec 27 19:28:37 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:28:37 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Men Are Just Happier People Message-ID: <459339E5.5000101@mhorton.net> Mostly true, amazingly. From: Lou Pellegrino (Courtesy of Yucks) What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest-room because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~ $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it. From mah at mhorton.net Wed Dec 27 19:31:09 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:31:09 -0500 Subject: [Humor] Bumper stickers Message-ID: <45933A7D.6000409@mhorton.net> Holly passes this one along. * That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway * Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber * You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time * Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant * America: One Nation, Under Surveillance * Bad president! No Banana! * We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language * We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them * Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket? * Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring. * Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20061227/68667e4e/attachment.html