From mah at mhorton.net Fri Aug 18 14:24:20 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:24:20 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Fw: Graphic Accident Photo from Germany - humor Message-ID: <44E63004.2010009@mhorton.net> ______________________________________________ A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Germany. The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us. My friend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed mouth-to-mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived. Please open with discretion. http://www.maryannhorton.com/images/horrible-accident.jpg -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060818/761fb3fd/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Fri Aug 18 14:27:02 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:27:02 -0400 Subject: [Humor] AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT Message-ID: <44E630A6.3040800@mhorton.net> From: Lou Pellegrino (courtesy of Yucks) AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answers: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Share this one with the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to. From mah at mhorton.net Fri Aug 18 14:29:42 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:29:42 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Genie Joke Message-ID: <44E63146.9080502@mhorton.net> From: "Heaphy, Mike" (Courtesy of Yucks) A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big behind and long legs who agrees with everything I say." From mah at mhorton.net Fri Aug 18 14:31:29 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:31:29 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Fair deal ? Message-ID: <44E631B1.3090304@mhorton.net> From: Lou (Courtesy of Yucks) Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV -- but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife, a very reasonable woman, told me to go out and find a hot 25- year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would, once again, be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed... From ravishingrn at yahoo.com Mon Aug 21 11:18:04 2006 From: ravishingrn at yahoo.com (Ramona Nash) Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 11:18:04 -0700 (PDT) Subject: [Humor] How to get into Heaven Message-ID: <20060821181804.82302.qmail@web82510.mail.mud.yahoo.com> How Do I Get Into Heaven? I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"? "No!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven"? Again, the answer was, "No!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"? I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "No!" I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"? A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!" When the power of love is greater than the love of power, we will have peace. - Jimi Hendrix -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060821/b79b54f7/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Tue Aug 22 15:41:02 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 18:41:02 -0400 Subject: [Humor] the latest Nationwide Ad Message-ID: <44EB87FE.20907@mhorton.net> http://www.maryannhorton.com/images/Nationwide_Ad.gif From mah at mhorton.net Wed Aug 23 19:15:58 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2006 22:15:58 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Shaggy Bus Story Message-ID: <44ED0BDE.7060208@mhorton.net> From: Wm Leler (Courtesy of Yucks) This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to start off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes," answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits ?til he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is convicted for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still there, smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up extra electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it. The executioner pulls the handle and the volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that!" He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks. "Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor." From mah at mhorton.net Tue Aug 29 17:12:15 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:12:15 -0400 Subject: [Humor] [Fwd: You Tube strikes again...] Message-ID: <44F4D7DF.3000002@mhorton.net> Jen passes this along... If your politics lean to the left and you're from Ohio, you'll enjoy this. *Ohio**, the land of hypocrisy:* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHvk1owpS_I -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060829/20b781e3/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Tue Aug 29 17:35:33 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:35:33 -0400 Subject: [Humor] American Management Today - Idiots? Message-ID: <44F4DD55.6070504@mhorton.net> Sue passes this one along */American Management Today - Idiots?/* [] * A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-comic-strip-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the managers we work for in corporate America, circa 2004:* []*"**As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.** **Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." * */(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)/* []*"**What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." **/(Lykes Lines Shipping)/* []*"**E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." **/(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)/* []"*This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." **/(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)/* []*"**Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule/." /* */(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)/* []*"**No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." * */(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)/* []*Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."** /(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)/* []*My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, /"That would be better for me."/ * */(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)/* []*"**We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." * */(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)/* [] -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... 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Name: not available Type: image/gif Size: 5090 bytes Desc: not available Url : http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060829/fd8f055a/attachment-0002.gif From ravishingrn at yahoo.com Tue Aug 29 21:18:04 2006 From: ravishingrn at yahoo.com (Ramona Nash) Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 21:18:04 -0700 (PDT) Subject: [Humor] The soldier and the nun Message-ID: <20060830041804.22388.qmail@web82505.mail.mud.yahoo.com> A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either. When the power of love is greater than the love of power, we will have peace. - Jimi Hendrix -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060829/e834bd66/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Wed Aug 30 16:52:44 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:52:44 -0400 Subject: [Humor] The Moral of the story is------- Message-ID: <44F624CC.6090509@mhorton.net> The moral is: don't try to cheat us old guys -- we'll get even! From: "Lou Pellegrino" (Courtesy of Yucks) Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was also the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. He pronounced himself loyal and ready for *any* task the king set him to. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next several hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.............