From mah at mhorton.net Tue Apr 4 15:59:37 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 04 Apr 2006 18:59:37 -0400 Subject: [Humor] A date and time to remember Message-ID: <4432FA59.7090709@mhorton.net> Kelly passes this one along. On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't happen again for a hundred years. You may now return to your (normal ?) life. From mah at mhorton.net Fri Apr 7 17:17:46 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 07 Apr 2006 20:17:46 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Steerage Message-ID: <4437012A.6030801@mhorton.net> From: Wm Leler (Courtesy Yucks) A pirate walks into a bar and up to the counter. The bartender can't help but notice a large steering wheel with a parrot perched atop it sticking out of the front of the pirate's pants. "Hey friend," the bartender says to the pirate, "do you realize you have a steering wheel with a parrot on it sticking out of your pants?" "Yar!" the pirate replies. "He's driving me nuts!" From mah at mhorton.net Fri Apr 14 12:28:52 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2006 15:28:52 -0400 Subject: [Humor] World's Easiest Trivia Test Message-ID: <443FF7F4.8030008@mhorton.net> From: Wm Leler (Courtesy of Yucks) Passing requires only 4 correct answers... go on, have a go! 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? All done? Scroll down to check your answers below. ANSWERS TO THE TEST Passing requires 4 correct answers 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? Dogs (from the same root as "canine") 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand (chinese gooseberries are also called Kiwifruit) 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course. What do you mean, you failed? Me, too. And don't try to tell me you passed! Pass this on to some brilliant friends From mah at mhorton.net Tue Apr 18 19:40:40 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2006 22:40:40 -0400 Subject: [Humor] [Fwd: Fw: Break time] Message-ID: <4445A328.2070703@mhorton.net> Jeff sends this one along. I taco natchi neetzi! ================== If you have a spare 12 minutes and 54 seconds during the day, and need to have a mental health break, check this video out. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6176491654107670145 If you're wondering WTF that's all about, this Wikipedia stub has a small bit of info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pitagora_souichi -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060418/f00bd066/attachment.html From mah at mhorton.net Sun Apr 30 13:38:57 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2006 16:38:57 -0400 Subject: [Humor] How to recognize a stroke victim Message-ID: <44552061.6090604@mhorton.net> Michele passes this along. With suggestions from Karen, an RN, I've clarified some points (in red.) *STR**OKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters...* *February 01, 2006* ? ? *ISCHEMIC STROKE IDENTIFICATION:* During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - wh ile she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. ? It only takes a minute to read this... ? A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough. ? *RECOGNIZING A STROKE* ? Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR . Read and Learn! ? Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. ? Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions: ? *S* *Ask the individual to *SMILE*. Look to see if the sides of the mouth turn up the same amount. If one side doesn't go up, the person may be having a stroke. ? *T **Ask the person to *TALK* . to *SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE* (Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today) Inability to speak coherently, or a severe headache (the worst headache of their life) is a sign. ? *R* *Ask him or her to *RAISE BOTH ARMS*. If one arm won't stay up, that's a clue. A person will have symptoms usually on one side of the body (the opposite side of the body that the stroke has affected the brain). So if a person has a left frontal lobe stroke, it will affect the right side of their body (and vice versa). ? {NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue... if the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke} ? If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 9-1-1immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. You only have four hours from the onset of symptoms to administration of the drug, and you'll probably spend most of that time in the ER, so /move quickly/! ? *A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.* -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060430/8dfb712a/attachment.html -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: not available Type: image/jpeg Size: 25478 bytes Desc: not available Url : http://lists.mhorton.net/pipermail/humor/attachments/20060430/8dfb712a/attachment.jpe From mah at mhorton.net Sun Apr 30 18:21:03 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2006 21:21:03 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Democrat Way of Thinking Message-ID: <4455627F.8020803@mhorton.net> Vote on Tuesday! Things You Have To Believe To Be a Democrat by Jay D. Dyson 1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. 2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. 3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists. 4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding. 5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. 6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. 7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand. 8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity. 9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do. 10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. 11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. 12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. 13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. 14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison. 15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. 16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton really stands for something. 17. You have to believe that the only reason communism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge. 18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House. 19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. 20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States. 21. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge. 22. You have to believe that homosexual parades should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. 23. You have to believe that gasoline priced at $1.59 per gallon is too expensive but accept bottled spring water at $1.09 per quart as reasonable. 24. You have to believe the purpose of government is to take money from people who earned it and spend it on people who did not earn it. 25. You have to believe that people who disagree with you are stupid and backward while believing people who agree with you are "progressive" and "enlightened." 26. You have to believe that a "B" average economics major from Yale University with a MBA from Harvard Business School is too stupid to be President of the United States. 27. You have to believe that a "C" average history major from Harvard University, dropout from Vanderbilt Law School and failure at Vanderbilt Divinity School is brilliant and should be President of the United States. 28. You are proud to have Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Bill Clinton in the Democratic Party. From mah at mhorton.net Sun Apr 30 18:21:05 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2006 21:21:05 -0400 Subject: [Humor] Republican Way of Thinking Message-ID: <44556281.20301@mhorton.net> Vote on Tuesday! From: Frederick Things you have to believe to be a Republican today..... Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. From mah at mhorton.net Sun Apr 30 18:24:12 2006 From: mah at mhorton.net (Mary Ann Horton) Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2006 21:24:12 -0400 Subject: [Humor] But Vait!!!! Dere's More Message-ID: <4455633C.9030406@mhorton.net> From Lou (Courtesy Yucks) Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgie birds in dat cage up dere." says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pickup and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me." VAIT!!! Dere's MORE! Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet! down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either." BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!! Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting. . . and now Lars hengliding....